Think you’ve heard it all? We beg to differ. For this special April Fools edition, we’ve collected recent news reports that the rest of the media somehow missed.
Napolitano Resigns: Favors Federal Penitentiary Over Congressional Hearings
Janet Napolitano resigned this morning as the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. In a letter to President Obama, Napolitano cited on-going fatigue and frustration with managing one of the most complex government operations in the world. In her letter, an obviously agitated Napolitano scolded the President admonishing him, “Where’s the help you promised me? Have you seen my workplace accommodations? What the hell!?”
As shocking as her unanticipated resignation is, it does not compare with the selection of her replacement. In an unprecedented leadership exchange facilitated by U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, Napolitano will be replaced by former NYPD Commissioner and one-time DHS Secretary nominee, Bernie Kerik. Napolitano in turn will serve the 4-year prison sentence that the recently convicted former police commissioner was due to start serving on May 17.
Security Debrief has learned that the highly unusual leadership swap was Napolitano’s idea. In a classified memo to her senior staff, obtained exclusively by Security Debrief, the former Arizona governor felt it would be more punishing to submit Kerik to her relentless schedule, appearing before more than eighty different Congressional committees, than for him to spend his time lifting weights in the prison gym yard.
In agreeing to switch places with Kerik in a federal penitentiary, Napolitano stated that “four years in prison would be a vacation compared to going to one more committee hearing answering the same stupid questions from every single member of Congress claiming jurisdiction over my department.”
No comment was immediately available from the Justice Department, the White House or Bernie Kerik on these breaking developments.
Upon her selection by President Obama in late 2008, Napolitano was heralded as a homeland security innovator familiar with security operations and border and immigration issues. Of late though, the pressure of one of the most demanding jobs in America became too much for her as she recently injured her foot kicking a junior member of DHS’ Legislative Affairs staff through a wall. The staffer had come to her office to deliver another binder of congressional hearing prep materials.
A press conference by DHS is anticipated some time later today.
FEMA’s Fugate on Leave, Joins Reality TV Cast
In a shocking news conference at his downtown Washington headquarters, FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate announced he was taking a three-month leave of absence to join the cast of the legendary reality show Survivor. Effective June 1, the start of Hurricane Season, Fugate will depart Washington for a coral reef island off the coast of Australia to compete for a $1,000,000 prize and subsequent invites to participate in lesser-known dance contest reality shows.
Joining him will be Edgar, an Eskimo spear fisherman; Sarah, an OMB Examiner; Stan, a garbage man from Milwaukee; Jimmy, a guy from somewhere in Arkansas; a butcher, baker and a candlestick maker to be named later and a guy name McGyver.
Before a shocked workforce, Fugate thundered, “It’s time to show the world how preparedness is really done. No more whiners and excuse-mongers who say they can’t do it because I’m going to show you how!”
Mark Burnett, Creator and Executive Producer of the hit CBS reality show, attended Fugate’s announcement and told reporters afterwards that the FEMA Administrator and his Survivor competitors would be taken from an airstrip in Guam in early June, joined together by one fastening belt and parachute and dropped out of the plane at 10,000 feet over the coral reef island.
In agreeing to join the cast, Fugate required that his appearance contract provide for 72 hours worth of water, food and batteries (with his name written in permanent marker on each item), as well as the entire ABBA and .38 Special music catalogue, all waiting for him when he parachutes in.
“Our audience has never seen anything like what Craig is going to give them this upcoming season,” offered Burnett before leaving for the airport.
In granting him permission for this unprecedented leave, DHS Secretary Napolitano advised Fugate: “Keep your clothes on.”
Boeing Mystified over SBInet – Turns out, Not an Actual Net
On Wednesday, Boeing executives and engineers gathered in southern Arizona along the U.S.-Mexico border to discuss why one of the world’s largest aerospace companies was unable to achieve a high-tech answer to America’s border woes, despite billions of dollars in funding. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s recent redirection of funding for SBInet – the project to build a technology-based detection line along the southern U.S. border – left Boeing leaders wondering, “Where did we go wrong?”
After the Secretary’s decision, Jim Albaugh, president and CEO of Boeing Integrated Defense Systems, demanded a personal demonstration of Boeing’s product. It took a team of six engineers to arrange the delicate technology. Removing a heavy tarp, the six each took hold of the advanced border solution – a giant fishing net.
“You hold one end like this,” said Walter Johnson, engineer, as he walked away from his peers. “And the others hold the other end, and you just stretch it out.”
“Seems reasonable,” said Albaugh. “But it’s a little small. Aren’t there 10,000 miles of border?”
“Yes, sir,” said Johnson. “We’re still making the net. This is only the prototype.”
During the demonstration, a family of soon-to-be-illegal-immigrants was spotted in the distance.
“Quick, quick, while the cameras are on, ” whispered Albaugh. “Napolitano doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Let’s test it!”
Engineers pulled the net as wide as they could, but despite the effort, the family changed directions and circumvented the Boeing crew by dozens of feet.
“Definitely needs to be longer,” said Albaugh.
When asked about his company’s seeming failure to achieve project goals, Boeing Chairman, President and CEO James McNerney said: “We build airplanes. What the f**k do we know about fences and cameras?”
White House Outsources Personnel Shop to Washington Post
Earlier today, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that effective close of business the Office of White House Personnel would be closed with all of its functions outsourced to the Washington Post.
Hailing the move as an extraordinary cost savings and efficiency measure, Gibbs related that the move would allow all of its prospective nominees and personnel selections to be better vetted than a Katie Couric broadcasted colonoscopy.
Joined at the podium by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, Gibbs explained that since the Post had already torpedoed two of the administration’s nominees for TSA Administrator as well as uncovered countless embarrassing facts about other Obama personnel and previous White House officials, the move made sense from an economical and operational perspective.
Added Emanuel, “Let’s be f****** clear: I’m sick and g******** tired of picking up the paper and reading something about some bastard we’ve nominated that I should have f****** known to begin with. What the f***! If our d***head people can’t do this job, I figured let’s save some poor sonofab**** his job over at that miserable ‘organ‘ called the Washington Post, which is s**tcanning people left and right anyway. It’s either that, or we start sending around a lot of dead f***** fish in this town.”
Under the new personnel screening construct, prospective Obama appointees and Senate-confirmed nominees will now be forced to disclose all remotely possible embarrassing or revealing information, dating back to childhood, while new Personnel Chief, the Post’s Robert O’Harrow, goes through all of their financial holdings, school transcripts and NCAA brackets to determine fitness for office.
Known as “the Terminator” to his Post colleagues (and the “Effing Terminator” to Emanuel), for asking questions that sink nominees, O’Harrow merely made his fist into a gun and simulated firing when asked if he was excited about his new position.
Pornographers Submit FOIA, Looking for “Best of Airport Scanners”
Pornography publishing pioneers Bob Guccione and Larry Flynt have joined legal forces and submitted a nationwide FOIA request to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) seeking access to millions of digital images taken by full body scanners at the nation’s airports.
Citing a desire to “see what undiscovered talents and assets might be out there,” Hustler publisher Flynt, once again wearing only an American flag, said it would only be natural for him to undertake such an action.
“I’ve fought my way all the way to the Supreme Court in the past to show the country what’s out there,” he said. “I’ve taken on the U.S. Congress during impeachment to show the country what really goes on behind closed doors in the halls of power. Hubba Hubba, you know? And now it’s time to see what’s going on over there at the TSA.”
In partnering with his pornography publishing rival, Penthouse’s Guccione, Flynt expressed satisfaction that despite legal protests by DHS and the Justice Department, they would prevail with their case.
Ever since the December 25 attempt to blow up a Detroit bound airliner, calls for increased passenger screening measures have grown immeasurably. In response, TSA sped up the deployment of full body scanning machines to enable Transportation Security Officers (TSOs) to see concealed weapons beneath passengers’ clothing. While enhancing the overall security operations at the country’s airports, TSOs also get to see digital images of buck-naked air travelers.
“When I heard about this technology, I just knew it was for me,” offered Guccione. “For years, I’ve looked for ways to find more attractive women for my readers to enjoy, and the fact that the government is providing it for free makes it all the better. I understand Hugh Hefner is even trying to get one for the Playboy Mansion.”
Acting TSA Administrator Gale Rossides was not amused by the FOIA submission.
“For months, I have told every Member of Congress, media outlet, reporter, civil liberties group and Kiwanis Club — anybody who would listen — that these digital images are not stored or archived in any way. They’re not even seen by the guy standing there at the machine.” said Rossides. “If I have to prove it, I’ll go through one of the machines myself on national television.”
Rossides offer was immediately rejected by DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire House Homeland Security Committee on a unanimous bipartisan vote, and President Obama, who threatened to issue an executive order prohibiting Rossides from going through with her threat. Flynt’s response was equally immediate: “Get the f*** out of here.”
After learning of an FOIA request from the two notorious pornography champions, Security Debrief reached out to three different TSOs who work with the body imagers at Dulles International in Virginia, Los Angeles International Airport in California, and Morgantown Regional Airport in West Virginia.
Citing confidentiality, the names of these TSOs have been changed to protect them from reprisals from their respective wives and girlfriends.
“Jimmy” who has worked at Dulles for nearly three years said, “It’s not all its cracked up to be. You try looking at pictures of naked grandmas coming home from Vegas with fresh tattoos for six hours a day. I’m in therapy.”
Jimmy offered that he hoped to quit his job soon to become an advisor to First Lady Michelle Obama’s campaign against obesity.
At LAX, “Oscar,” who has been a TSO since 2006, observed that silicone and collagen do show up separately on the images. “At first I thought these gals were trying to sneak explosive fluids onboard, but it was nothing like that. The secondary inspection though was pretty cool as I’m a pat-down type, and I do my job thoroughly.”
“Jethro” joined TSA at Morgantown Regional Airport in early 2010. Explaining that he was inspired to fight guys who light their underpants on fire and meet “hot women,” he expressed satisfaction with all he’s seen to date.
“You would not believe what people can pierce man… I mean seriously put a nail through. It’s wicked.”
Kings Dominion Unveils New Water Slide: “The Cheney”
Kings Dominion, the themed-amusement park located outside Richmond, Virginia, announced the opening of its newest attraction to its WaterWorks park. Called “the Cheney,” riders will be strapped to a fiberglass board with a bag over their heads, shoved backwards into a water flowing tube and propelled through 1,200 feet of winding pipe, all the while with a former CIA contractor shouting obscenities in their faces.
On hand for the announcement, the former U.S. Vice President said he was “humbled” by the unique honor.
“Presidents get libraries and monuments named after them, but this is something different,” said the former Vice President. “It’s something the whole family can enjoy and remember. I couldn’t be more pleased to have this recognition.”
Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont, a prominent critic of the Bush Administration’s terrorism practices, also attended the unveiling, Noting Leahy’s presence, Cheney flashed a thumbs-up and told the senator to “go f*** yourself.”
Kings Dominion executives at the announcement offered that the Vice President’s spirited defense of waterboarding “inspired us in ways we could have never imagined.”
In a prepared statement, Kings Dominion Executive Vice President for Spastic Thrills, I. M. Hurling said, “After we got a hold of the declassified handbook on enhanced interrogation techniques, we knew we had to be on the cutting edge for our customers.”
The water ride’s designers explained that they had spent months perfecting the design and sequencing to ensure that each rider got the full “swooshing” effect without encountering any of the embarrassing swimsuit wedgies that happen with other water rides.
Hurling also retained Bush-Cheney era attorney John Yoo to draft a legal brief protecting the water park from any potential lawsuits.
“Waterboarding wasn’t torture then, and it’s not now,” noted Yoo. “For love the god, it’s entertainment.”
Pelosi Raids Immigration Offices
Emboldened by the strong-arm tactics used to cram healthcare legislation through Congress, Speaker Nancy Pelosi yesterday led a gang of elderly members of Congress and youthful aides on a raid of the headquarters for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE).
During a perp walk of the entire ICE leadership, Pelosi held an impromptu news conference announcing, “Immigration agents will no longer terrorize our communities, arresting and deporting innocent illegal immigrants. Now we will terrorize them – bring on comprehensive immigration reform!” It is unclear why the Speaker used air quotes whenever she said “comprehensive immigration reform.”
As a frustrated Assistant Secretary John Morton passed in the perp line, he protested that Pelosi did not have the legal authority to arrest federal agents.
“She’s got all the authority she needs, you little Nazi,” shouted an adrenaline-laced Rep. Luis Gutierrez of Illinois. “She’s the freaking Speaker of the House, and the Daily Kos loves her.”
Gutierrez is best remembered for his assertion in 2008 that the Bush Administration had put the “Gestapo agents at Homeland Security” in charge. It was never entirely clear, however, what they had been put in charge of.
The raid was executed in the early morning hours, just before daylight but right after the early political talk show circuits. Pandemonium broke out through the halls of ICE as congressmen wielding dangerously thick stacks of legislation broke into the offices of ICE agents shouting “Against the wall!” and “On your face!” – phrases taught to them by the Capitol Hill Police, according to sources who wished to remain anonymous due to a fear and loathing of Capitol Hill in general. The confusion during the raid was exacerbated by some of the more elderly House members, separated from their aides, who shouted “Get on my face” and “Let’s build a wall – it won’t cost a dime!”
Tensions nearly erupted into lethal violence in ICE’s Office of Investigations when a Mexican standoff occurred between a team of special agents hiding under their desks with ankle-strapped glocks and a threatening mob of legislative assistants pointing finely sharpened subpoenas.
In a display of calm leadership, Chief of Operations Alonzo Pena urged his agents to holster their weapons, asserting that nobody would get hurt and that there were laws protecting them from this kind of congressional over-reach. To which the legislative aides laughed and suggested that Pena contact Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and ask him about that. “And be sure to mention Reconciliation.”
Outside at her news conference, Pelosi played a repeating loop of her comments videotaped at a town hall declaring that ICE agents were un-American for enforcing the laws passed by Congress. “What kind of world would we live in if everybody took the laws we passed seriously?” she asked the crowd of reporters, most of whom nodded judiciously.
“That’s why we are going to prosecute these hatemongers s in the New York City courthouse, the exact same spot where 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed was to be prosecuted.”
Within the hour, Attorney General Eric Holder issued a statement stating that the trials of ICE agents would not be held in New York due to local concerns that such a concentrated collection of members of Congress would result in security concerns, over-regulation and massive new taxes.
As a result, the determined Speaker is currently considering legislation that would exchange ICE agents (or “un-American bullies,” as they are referred to in the language of her bill) with the terrorists in custody on Guantanamo Bay.
EAGLE II Gets New Name, Other Changes Expected
In response to two days of less-than-complimentary comments from vendors attending EAGLE II Industry Day presentations, DHS has decided to change the name of the procurement to “JACK BAUER I” (Justifying Asinine Contracts Knowing Better And Unique Expertise Requires Intelligence)
“We were inspired by the recent re-branding of Comcast Cable to Xfinity and Blackwater to Xe,” said Soraya Correa, DHS Director of the Office of Procurement Operations. “Their reputation was almost as bad as ours, and by a simple name change Xfinity, as one example, has been able to fool most of their customers into believing they are getting something cool. Plus, we like the image 24’s Jack Bauer conveys on camera,” Correa explained.
After subjecting small business leaders and “unrestricted” large businesses to two days of obfuscation and contracting double-speak, DHS officials concluded that too many people actually understood the purpose of the EAGLE II concept, thereby necessitating a change in direction.
Kevin Boshears, DHS’ Director of Small and Disadvantaged Utilization, admitted that the Industry Day presentations had not “disadvantaged” a sufficient number of potential vendors and that a change of public perception was required.
“We decided that the name ‘EAGLE II’ was insufficiently robust, and it was easier to change the name acronym than to make substantive changes in the procurement,” Boshears said.
Citing FAR clauses that caused eyes to glaze over at an unprecedented rate, Boshears claimed that a 40 percent Small Business requirement and 6 percent Veteran Owned Small Business mandate would resolve conflicts between DHS and SBA goals in meeting statistical mandates. Audience members, including three sleep apnea-disabled individuals, sat in stunned silence while Boshears spoke.
Contacted after the Industry Day conferences, recently appointed DHS Under Secretary for Management Rafael Borras boasted that the EAGLE II name change would be indicative of the type of bold action he planned to take in his new position.
“If Comcast and Blackwater can divert public attention from their problems by coming up with a fancy new name, DHS has much to gain by changing the names of our questionable programs,” Borras said.
Although Borras would not confirm them, rumors abound throughout DHS hallways that other program name changes are being considered.
Current speculation is that SBInet will be renamed “LALA” (Look, Another Lost Alien); EINSTEIN II will be called “ALBERT” (Awfully Large Businesses Exhaust Routine Technologies); and E-VERIFY will be called “SKIPPY” (no idea what this stands for, but it sounds nice.)
Changes are still subject to OMB approval and publication in the Federal Register.
Biden Laments, “Why is his longer?”
As the White House continues to deal with the fall-out from the recent off-color comments by Vice President Joe Biden at the signing of the Health Care legislation, it is now dealing with another embarrassing crisis from the one-time senior U.S. Senator from Delaware.
In reviewing recent video footage of a pre-Easter Egg Roll dress rehearsal, a visibly frustrated Biden is seen yelling towards his Secret Service detail, “Why is his longer? I’m a big f***ing deal!” while gesturing towards the motorcade of President Obama which had just left the White House complex for a speech at the Reagan Building.
The Vice President’s wife, Dr. Jill Biden, is also seen on the video trying to console the angered Vice President, telling him that “size isn’t everything.”
In interviews with at least three different senior Administration officials, Security Debrief has learned that the Vice President has expressed his displeasure at the length of his motorcade when compared to that of the President’s. Of particular annoyance is the fact that the President has an ambulance as part of his motorcade, as well as two more black Suburbans and two buses for the press pool.
The Vice President’s displeasure increased further following the late March visit by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu when he learned that his motorcade was also given an ambulance, two additional Suburbans and a juicer.
In seeking to address the Vice President’s motorcade size concerns, Administration officials shared that the Secret Service was adding five new additional Bose sub-woofer sirens designed by Kanye West that would announce at high decibel levels in a continuous loop: “Head’s up, big effing deal coming through.”