I was thinking about going out and looking for a hooker, but then I realized it was a bad idea. It’s exploitative. I don’t have the money. Should my wife find out, she would have rusted debris surgically inserted into uncomfortable places around my body. And, what’s more — why pay for a prostitute when the TSA will give you the same very personal attention for free?

That guy who’s calling for a “National Pat Me Down — WooHoo! — Day” has the right idea. He wants to do it the day before Thanksgiving in order to screw up lines at airports and create gridlock and pissed off travelers throughout the country. That does sound fun. But why stop at one day on November 24th? No, I’m dedicated. I’m going back every day, maybe a couple of times a day.

In particular, I’m hoping to get in the line with a TSO named Rita. The bastards at TSA keep shuffling me over to some guy named “Buzz.” It’s like they’re profiling me. Every time, I wave at Rita but get manhandled by Buzz. (In fairness to Buzz, he has soft hands and a gentle demeanor.)

I shan’t give up, though. In the name of national security. In the name of protesting whatever it is that we’re protesting. In defiance of having to walk through those machines because, well, because. Screw machines. In solidarity with “Don’t Touch My Junk” guy and the airline unions. In support of all those congressman who keep calling for more security and then demanding that they stop being touched. In the pursuit of life, liberty and great happiness. With respect for Rita and Buzz.

I shall carry on. For liberty.

(PS: Don’t forget to take our “What the Heck Do You Think About It” poll!)

Chris Battle founded Security Debrief as a forum for the homeland security community to discuss pressing issues and current debates in national security, counter-terrorism and law enforcement. After a long fight against kidney cancer, Chris passed in August 2013. Read More

    The citizens’ revolt over full-body scans and intrusive pat-downs is growing quickly. The American people understand the need for airport security, but they don’t understand why they should be subjected to these degrading and humiliating procedures that invade their privacy. Like all revolts, however, if it is to be successful at changing the U.S. government’s policies on airport security; it needs to put forth an alternative strategy that people can rally around. That alterative is “focus on the terrorist, not the bomb.” That’s what the Israelis do and that’s what the Brits did with the Irish Republican Army when it wanted to hijack and blow up their airplanes.

    Focus on the terrorist, not the bomb means that TSA and private companies, at those airports where they still operate, must be able to use reasonable profiling techniques. Profiling doesn’t mean just subjecting Middle Eastern males to intrusive screening, it means using a variety of techniques and criteria for identifying terrorists. These proven techniques are well understood by law enforcement and intelligence agencies but we don’t use them the way we should for airport screening because of political correctness.

    The time has come for Americans to decide if they are willing to give up their freedom and dignity for political correctness or if they are going to demand that their government use common sense and do what works. If we don’t stop this madness now, what’s the next step? Will TSA screeners take us into private rooms, tell us to take our clothes off, and probe our body cavities with rubber-gloved hands? Are we willing to continue down the slippery slope toward becoming a police state just to avoid law suits and confrontation with political correctness advocates? Does the U.S. Constitution protect us from warrantless searches and seizures, unless you buy an airline ticket? This is a question we should be anxious for the U.S. Supreme Court to decide.

    Focus on the terrorist, not the bomb applies to passenger screening. It doesn’t apply to cargo screening where security procedures are woefully lacking. Most cargo that enters the U.S. in commercial passenger aircraft is not screened. Al-Qaeda has already shifted its focus away from suicide-bombers that attempt to board commercial aircraft to cargo bombs. We need to stop “fighting the last war” and begin fighting the current one efficiently and effectively.

    What can you do? Write your Senator and Representative. Tell them you want Congress to act to force the TSA to stop what doesn’t work and do what does.