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DHS to Close Permanently! Pistole Pleads the Fifth! Trump Sues for UBL Death Certificate! Really?!


In Security Debrief’s annual April Fools coverage (the Leap Year Edition), we’ve collected some stories the rest of the media somehow missed.

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DHS to Close Permanently, Napolitano Declares Victory

Napolitano: "With DHS closed, I'm looking to the future. President Napolitano has a nice ring to it."

This morning, thousands of DHS employees arrived at work to find their office doors locked and covered with “Closed” signs. Employees looked to stunned supervisors for explanation, but they seemed to be even more in the dark than usual.

As employees sought answers, a clearly jubilant DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano arrived on the scene, minus her traditional security detail and black Suburbans, with an explanation. Driving into the DHS compound in a 1973 orange colored, VW convertible Beetle, the former Governor of Arizona stood on the front seat of her car and flashed two “V” signs with her hands.

“Today I am proud to declare ‘victory’ over all that this proud Department has fought against.”

Relishing an almost Churchill-like moment, the third and apparently final DHS Secretary listed the reasons for the sudden decision to close the much-aligned and often-mocked Department.

“Bin Laden’s dead. People know they have to take their shoes off at the airport. They also should know not to try and pet the dogs leashed to police at train stations and kite festivals. Additionally we’ve bought every possible emergency radio in America, including the entire Radio Shack Christmas inventory and distributed it to every police, fire, and EMS facility from the top of Maine to the outer reaches of Guam, and there’s nothing more for us to do.”

Amid the assembled crowd of now-unemployed DHS staff gathered outside the red-bricked walls of the Nebraska Avenue Complex (NAC), one man raised his hand, asking, “What about hurricanes, tornadoes and rabid bear attacks that still occur?”

Napolitano waved her hand and said, “That’s FEMA’s job. Not ours.”

Sources close to the Secretary shared with Security Debrief that President Obama had lost a weekend game of basketball to the James Lee Witt “Disaster Paperwork Warriors” and the prize was making FEMA an independent agency again.

Shocked employees were struggling to come to grips with the fact that the places where they had regularly beaten their heads against the wall for years was now off limits.

Napolitano explained that counseling services and medical push packs from the nation’s emergency stockpile would be passed out to make them all feel better. Inspection of the push packs, which were handed out by Napolitano’s loyal staff of Arizona followers, showed a 6 month supply of Prozac, Pop Rocks and a new subscription to Paula Dean’s new cooking magazine, “So you want to be Diabetic?”

A clearly relieved Napolitano shared in a hastily arranged press conference that “with so much accomplished during my tenure as Secretary, it just made sense to shut the whole thing down.”

“I told the President that it would be a complete waste of time and the American taxpayers’ money if all this Department did was answer mail from Capitol Hill, write more reports no one reads and go to Congressional hearings. Have you seen the Congress’ poll numbers and approval ratings?! Who the hell listens to them anyway?”

When asked what was next for her, the Secretary slid into the driver’s seat of her classic VW bug, pulled a pair of Jackie O-style sunglasses out of the glove compartment and said she had been, “inspired by the example of Rick Santorum’s work in Iowa and in the recent primary states.”

“If he can get attention and inspire people with sweater vests and prehistoric rhetoric at garage sales, pancake socials, and hog-calling competitions, I figure I got a shot at the White House if I move to Iowa and do something similar.”

With that, the Secretary, turned over the engine and pulled out of DHS Headquarters headed West for Iowa flashing a “V” sign declaring victory over all of the things that had created anxiety for the American public over the past 11 years.

In a prepared statement issued by his Press Secretary, the President congratulated “Secretary Napolitano for her steadfast leadership in trying times and knowing when to get out of town when things were going right for her.”
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Educators, Al Sharpton Applaud Peter King School for Cultural Sensitivity

This weekend’s announcement of the newly established Peter King School for Cultural Sensitivity received thunderous applause from educators and antagonists around America. Headquartered at the center of all things Peter King, Long Island, NY, the school will be a clearing house for educators, citizens, ill-informed reporters and angry car service drivers to better engage the diverse world around them.

Surrounded by elected leaders from Nassau and Suffolk counties, members of the Nobel Prize Committee, copywriters from Fox News, and a clearly jubilant Bill O’Reilly, the New York Republican and Chair of the House Homeland Security Committee was clearly humbled by the moment.

“I could have never dreamed of a day when my name would be part of an education enterprise as esteemed as this. Millions of people will make the world a better and far more tolerant place by coming through these doors to learn about all that is right about how I think.”

The Peter King Center will have courses that include a scholarly review of John Wayne’s “America, Why I love her,” and “All Things New York, Irish & Grant-Eligible.”

Joining the weekend announcement was Rev. Al Sharpton who had just returned from a weeklong MSNBC training session on “How to be a faux-journalist and get your own TV show.”

“Peter King is one of the great minds of this century and other times too and who knows how to make headlines even when there’s no news to make. I only wish I had met him sooner or I would have given up red track suits and Aqua-Net.”

Heralding the new era in multicultural studies in Long Island, Abner McGilcuddy, owner of the largest chain of International House of Pancakes (IHOP) and one-time bowling league partner of the senior Republican of the NY Congressional Delegation said, “Pete’s always been Pete and when people are done going through this school, they’ll all be thinkin’ with their Peters. We’ve got enough Toms, Dicks and Harrys out there. We need more people thinkin’ with the Peters in this world.”
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TSA Administrator Pistole Pleads Fifth on International Cargo Screening

TSA Administrator John Pistole consults the Big Book of Bureaucratic Doubletalk for his cargo screening testimony while TSA Manager for Air Cargo Security Doug Brittin plays Angry Birds on his smartphone.

TSA Administrator John Pistole was hauled before the House Homeland Security Committee today to explain his agency’s progress in meeting a congressional rule to screen all cargo on passenger planes. Congress’ 100% screening rule has proven near impossible to implement on an international level, and Rep. Ed Markey (D-Mass.), architect and long-time proponent of the screening mandate, had some tough questions for Pistole:

Markey: Describe for me your progress in meeting the screening mandate for inbound cargo.

Pistole: We continue to place a high priority on cargo security, focusing on identifying and stopping high-risk cargo before it reaches American shores.

Markey: Right, but are we screening 100% of cargo on passenger planes as the law mandates?

Pistole: TSA prides itself on using the latest technologies and processes to stop threatening cargo from being loaded on passenger planes.

Markey: Yes, but have you met the mandate?

Pistole: I’m sorry, I missed that, could you repeat the question?

Markey: Is cargo inbound to the United States screened at 100% or is the mandate still unmet?

Pistole: Um-hmm, yes, that’s correct.

Markey: What is correct?

Pistole: The answer to your question, Congressman.

Markey: Mr. Administrator, are you screening all cargo on passenger planes?

Pistole: Of course not! What good would it do to screen the cargo on the plane? There’s very little room to move around in a cargo hold and…

Markey: You miss my question, sir. Is cargo on passenger planes screened at 100%?

Pistole: Which planes, Congressman?

Markey: The ones bound for the United States!

Pistole: Yes sir, 100% screened…

Markey: Ah, good.

Pistole: (inaudible)

Markey: What was that, Mr. Administrator?

Pistole: I, ah, just said screening can mean different things to different people.

Markey: What’s that supposed to mean?

Pistole: Well, um, sometimes screening can mean physically scanning a piece of cargo; other times it means figuring out which cargo is high-risk and which isn’t. It really depends on who you ask.

Markey: I’m asking you.

Pistole: Right, I’m aware of that.

Markey: So when you say we are screening at 100%–

Pistole: Near 100%.

Markey: Can you just give me a straight answer Pistole?!

Pistole: I believe what you’d like to hear me say, Congressman, is that we are scanning every piece of cargo on every passenger plane from every country that flies to the United States.

Markey: That was my intent for the cargo screening mandate.

Pistole: Riiiiiight. Sir, at this time, I plead the fifth amendment.

Markey: This isn’t a criminal trial, Pistole, and you are a public servant.

Pistole: I plead the fifth.

Markey: Pistole!
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If Elected, Santorum Pledges DHS Will Focus on Seven Deadly Sins

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum announced today that when elected president, he will reorganize the Department of Homeland Security so its seven operating units address the Seven Deadly Sins. Speaking to an audience at Cardinal College, Santorum said:

“America will never be safe so long as we fail to address the underlying causes of bad behavior, which is the first step toward terrorism. As your President, I will ensure that the next Secretary of Homeland Security’s primary mission is to root out and eliminate wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.”

Former House Speaker, Newt Gingrich, who has sparred with Santorum to claim the “most conservative candidate” title, criticized Santorum’s announcement: “This is nothing more than a not-so-veiled reference to my previous predilections, for which I have asked God’s forgiveness. ‘Reverend Rick’ ought to know better.”

Congressman Ron Paul, who remains in the presidential race to the amazement of political pundits, also denounced Santorum’s plan.

“The Seven Deadly Sins are not listed in the US Constitution,” he said. “This is not a matter for the federal government and is an unnecessary intrusion into individual liberties. We should never have created a Department of Homeland Security in the first place. This is a matter for each state and family to address.”

Republican front-runner, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, reportedly started talking about something he did in one of his wife’s Cadillac sedans. Romney claimed that his father had taught him about the difference between “deadly” sins and mere “venial” sins while they were en route to play cribbage at their country club in Grosse Pointe, Michigan. Before Romney could complete his story, reporters walked away to watch a re-run of Mad Men.
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TSA Eases Screening Rules, Al Qaeda Recruiting Seniors and Children

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has recently softened airport security requirements for children and seniors, allowing them to keep their shoes on during screening. This is a sign of TSA’s move towards risk-based security methods, and online postings from al Qaeda reveal the terrorist organization sees this as an opportunity to launch new attacks:

“For many years, we have tried to recruit the people least likely to be considered a threat – Americans, other Westerners, people with no criminal background. But the TSA is making this too easy. Already our ranks are swelling with valiant warriors over 75 years old and under 12.”

A photo posted on Imacrazyjihadist.net shows a menacing group of would-be terrorists in wheelchairs, car seats and various stages of attention, with the caption, “Just because we can’t lift our ubiquitous AK-47s doesn’t mean we don’t want to!”

Security Debrief tracked down some of these lethal-but-unlikely evil-doers to find out why they joined the al Qaeda network.

Jimmy Williams, age 6, is a kindergarten student at Sunshine and Smiles Elementary.

“I wanted to watch Dora the Explorer but Mom said I had to finish my vegetables,” said Williams. “Akyda [al Qaeda] said I don’t have to eat vegetables so long as I go jihading.” When asked what jihad means, Williams said, “I think it’s like sledding – I love to go sledding.”

Roger Smithers, 87, spends his days at an assisted living facility (which requested not to be named). Security Debrief asked why he felt the need to wage war against America, to which Smithers said: “What’s that? You have to speak up and into my good ear.”

Asked again, Smithers said, “I love America. Hell, I fought in Korea.” On being asked to explain the seeming contradiction between fighting alongside al Qaeda and loving America, Smithers said, “Oh, hi, I didn’t hear you come in. I’m Roger. Have you seen my hearing aid?”

For years, the over-75 and under-12 population was thankfully screened at the same level as a visitor from Yemen with a one-way plane ticket. But now, with risk-based screening becoming the ever-more dominant security philosophy at TSA, America is in a great deal of peril. One never knows where al Qaeda could spring up, and assuming that every person – no matter who they are – presents the same level of threat is what has allowed TSA to keep its costs low, employ security protocols that respect privacy, and deploy cheap scanning machines that work 100% of the time.

“TSA’s one-size-fits-all model kept us from making any kind of attack,” an al Qaeda operative said in a recorded video on iJihaduJihad.com. “Never mind the unmanned drones, intelligence officers and powerful U.S. military. No, it was the TSA’s insistence that costs and common sense don’t matter so long as everyone is put through the same lengthy screening process. But now that risk-based security is all the rave, well, you heathens better brace yourselves. Terrorists in diapers are coming to an airport near you.”
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O’Toole Acts to “Beat Congress At Its Own Game,” Closes S&T

DHS Under Secretary for Science and Technology (S&T) Dr. Tara O’Toole, expressing frustration at congressional efforts to scale back her directorate, took matters into her own hands and notified S&T employees and contractors that directorate would cease to exist, effective April 1.

O’Toole’s announcement – sent out on the super-sensitive and occasionally operational Homeland Security Information Network (HSIN,) – noted her previous public health experiences had taught her to “proactively” deal with diseases as quickly as they are identified. In this case, it was clear that having to deal with congressional ineptitude was making her “sick to her stomach.”

“I came into this position believing that doing cutting-edge science and developing new anti-terrorism technology was important. I thought Congress would appreciate the hard work of the really smart people we have at S&T. Instead I learned that most of those pin-heads couldn’t pass a high school biology class, much less understand why we need new methodologies and prophylaxis for bacillus anthracis,” O’Toole said.

Congressman Robert Aderholt: "Propha-wha? I always called 'em rubbers."

Congressman Robert Aderholt, who is chair of the House Homeland Security Appropriations Subcommittee and one of O’Toole’s most vocal critics, when told of her comment, said: “Huh? What does THAT mean?”

“We don’t even use the word ‘prophylaxis’ in my part of Alabama,” he said. “We just ask the pharmacist for a box of ‘protection’ and he knows what to give you, unless you’re Catholic, of course.”

O’Toole’s decision to close S&T would have had a significantly greater impact had it come last year. Due to the continuing exodus of S&T employees, however, the actual number affected by this closing is relatively small. One former S&T employee, who requested to remain anonymous, said morale at S&T had not been good for quite a while.

“Tara can believe that she is taking the high road in beating Congress to the punch,” he said, “But there have been so many talented people leaving Vermont Avenue that there isn’t much left to close down.”

O’Toole blames Congress for the departures that preceded her action, a sentiment Chairman Aderholt agrees with. “We need to get rid of some more of those pointy-headed geeks,” Aderholt exclaimed before heading out to attend a tea party with constituents. Back to the top

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Trump Sues Obama for Bin Laden Death Certificate

Trump: "Is it really too much to ask for video evidence, DNA tests, sworn SEAL testimony, bullet forensics and a pinky swear from Obama that bin Laden is dead? I don't think so."

In an unprecedented Sunday session in Federal Court, billionaire real-estate and reality TV mogul, Donald Trump submitted legal paperwork suing President Obama for the death certificate of Osama Bin Laden.

Standing on the windy steps outside of the Federal Courthouse in New York City, Trump and his unmovable, lacquered hair stood steadfast angrily declaring in front of assembled reporters, “I don’t believe him.”

Pointing angrily into a bank of television cameras, Trump bellowed, “He said the man is dead, but there’s no paperwork. Where’s the paperwork, Mr. President? Everything has paperwork – especially death and taxes, and I’ve seen nothing that tells me this man is dead and gone.”

White House officials scrambled to answer Trump’s charges. A clearly frustrated White House Press Secretary Jay Carney held a late-night conference call with White House reporters and re-emphasized all of the points provided by the President when he announced the death of the world’s most wanted man in a daring helicopter raid into Pakistan in May 2011.

“I really don’t know what to say here. The President and members of the Administration have shared countless details of the operation. We’ve done everything but release the gruesome head shot to which the President said, ‘No way.'”

“We even put Bin Laden’s stamp collection on display after the SEAL team picked it up along with other gathered intelligence from his compound. Didn’t Trump see the photo of the President and his team in the Situation Room anxiously awaiting news on the operation? Doesn’t that count?”

In response, a clearly unmoved Trump said, “That famous picture could be of when the President and his team were watching a Biggest Loser re-run. You know the one where Chuckie wolfs down the apple cobbler without breathing? I saw that show the first time and like Hillary, I put my hand over my mouth, too.”

Attorneys for Trump and the Administration expect a protracted and lengthy legal battle to ensue over the real-estate mogul’s lawsuit. Administration officials seemed concern at the pending costs of this suit, given that Trump has more cash in the bank than the entire U.S. government. Justice Department officials hoped they could borrow a couple billion from the Apple Corporation to augment their cash reserves. Such a move does not worry Trump.

“I’ve been in tougher spots before. I know how to stand into headwinds and blowing debris without a hair ever getting out of place. These guys are punks compared to my ex-wives.”
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Deputy Secretary Jane Holl Lute Issues Directive for New DHS Employees

In a move that took the Office of Personnel Management by surprise, DHS Deputy Secretary Jane Holl Lute signed a new Management Directive that effective April 1, 2012, all new DHS employees’ first, middle and last names must contain the same number of letters. DHS Secretary Janetlynne Napolitano, who transferred her authority to Lute before leaving on an unannounced trip to Afghanistan, approved of the Directive, according to her Chief of Staff, Iamnoah Kroloff.

Lute, who has pushed the initiative for many months, wrote a cover letter that accompanied the Directive:

“The Department of Homeland Security should be very selective in our hiring practices. We do criminal background checks, suitability checks and physical fitness tests, where appropriate. Research by the S&T Directorate has demonstrated that a ‘Numerology check’ is an excellent means of screening out people who may have a mal-intent. They have expertise in ‘pattern analysis,’ and this is an easy pattern to recognize. Plus, this should not be a partisan issue. Everyone over the age of twenty-one knows that Nancy Reagan was the high priestess of Numerology, and her influence kept President Reagan out of trouble on more than one occasion.”

Under Secretary for Management Rafael Borras applauded Lute’s decision: “I’ve bounced around the public and private sector for many years, and this is the first place where I felt like I really ‘fit.’ DHS employees cannot make judgments based on race, gender, religion or sexual preference. About the only thing left for us to judge people on is how their name is spelled. GAO has tried for years to force us to set uniform, objective requirements on which to make decisions. This directive is about as uniform as one can get!”

Lute claimed the Directive had received a thorough vetting among DHS leadership and was not the product of whim or caprice, unlike other DHS decisions.

“We studied this issue for many months,” he said. “We had a cross-section of DHS leadership, from all levels of the department, review and revise the Directive. Each member of the review committee was encouraged to speak their mind and raise any issues they might have. It was a group that stayed focused on the mission, and we got it done in record time.”

Lute identified members (some of whose names were slightly changed as a condition of service) of the Review Committee as:

  • Ivan Fong, DHS Chief Counsel
  • Jeff Neal, (former) Chief Human Capital Officer
  • Randy Bears, Under Secretary, National Protection & Programs Directorate
  • Todd Kiel, (Former) Assistant Secretary for Infrastructure Protection
  • Craigg Fugate, Administrator, FEMA
  • Dr.Tara O’Toole, Under Secretary, Science & Technology
  • Greggory Schaffer, Assistant Secretary, Office of Cyber Security and Communications
  • Carlyn Wagner – Under Secretary, Office of Intelligence and Analysis
  • Nelson Pecock – Assistant Secretary, Office of Legislative Affairs

National Treasury Employees Union President, Coleen Kelley, said that the union was studying the Directive but did not personally see anything wrong with it.
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Jackson-Lee to Open Charm School

Decrying the partisan-angst that has rendered Congress irrelevant, Texas Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee announced she will open a Charm and Finishing School for current and future leaders of America.

Dressed in her signature bold red suit that she reserves solely for television addresses by the President during special sessions of Congress to make sure she gets noticed and talked about, the veteran Congresswoman bemoaned the ill-feelings and lack of civility amongst her colleagues.

Standing in Statuary Hall, the Texas Democrat explained, “There’s no reason to raise your voice to a colleague to be heard. There’s no reason to be rude when asking a question of a hearing witness. There’s also no reason to throw partisan talking points around to get your message across… I can show you how to be treat people in any situation.”

In her regularly scheduled weekly press conference, former House Speaker and Democratic Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi was at a complete loss for words. Her speechlessness was greeted by enthusiastic applause from members of her own caucus, the entire Republican Majority and most of the American public.

Despite their inability to put into words their reaction to their colleague’s overture towards schooling them in the ways of collegiality and civility, Congressional leaders on both sides of the political aisle saw it as an act of hope.

Captured by reporters as he left the American Lung Association’s Man of the Year Luncheon, House Speaker John Boehner saw it as an act of unprecedented courage.

The Speaker added, “If you had told me Sheila Jackson Lee had something nice to say to anyone, I would have never believed it possible, but ever since the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the President for less than a year of service and ordering drone strikes and troop surges, I’ve learned anything is possible in this life.”
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